I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
