Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
The feeling are messing with the penis
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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