If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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