I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
