you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
tell your sister to shave her snatch
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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