I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
