How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
