I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
