I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
