even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
PANTIES FOUND
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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