you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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