I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
