You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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