Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
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And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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