dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
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There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
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He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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