I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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