after a month anything with tits is on the radar
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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