She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
