Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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