so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
