He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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