U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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