btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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