fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I want to be your penis for a week.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
