I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
