Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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