Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
