I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
