That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I need a beard to bite.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
we're so committed to being not committed
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