we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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