i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
