Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
