doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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