Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
There's always time for handjobs
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
