i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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