i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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