I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
