You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
