did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
