When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
