just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
