mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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