Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
