i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
