I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I should be sponsored by Trojan
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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