ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
