My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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