If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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