you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
