Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
