I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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