They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
