I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
