Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
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I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
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After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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