I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
