im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
